On the brink of logic

I have come to the end of myself. To be precise, I have come to the end of my ego. No, I'm not referring to "pride" when I mentioned ego, but rather, the sense of self that I increasingly find unauthentic, untrue and unreal to me. I must, therefore, know who I am then, but interestingly, I don't. I don't know my true self. Then, how do I know I am not living out my true self? This is indeed a mystery and I am stuck in this conundrum.
If I can best articulate what I am going through, there's a constant sense of boredom, disinterest, and disconnection that goes on, humming in the background as I face the vicissitudes and the daily grinds of life. Nothing seems wrong, nor does anything seem right. I exist for the sake of existing. Sometimes I think that if I disappear from the surface of Earth tomorrow, it would just be a mere speck of dust being blown away by the wind.
Since the pandemic, there has been an increasing focus on mental health and wellbeing. The spotlight has been on societal issues around loneliness, languishing, lassitude and the like. Once upon a time, these issues often go under the radar and the impact of the pandemic has propelled them into our line of vision. Further compounding the issues was the rapid advancement in AI. With the rise and pervasiveness of Gen AI, it felt like a sudden jolt to me and I was forcefully thrust into a new operating paradigm that I was not too prepared for. The notion of trust is slowly eroding as I grapple with distilling truth from the noise and deceptions around me.
We saw books, podcasts, thought leaders, politicians, celebrities, new age gurus and ordinary people rant, discuss or even dole out expert advice on navigating mental health crises. I used to get my hands on every new self-help book that hit the shelves. I used to voraciously consume content to enhance my mental health. I tried to practice meditation. I prayed fervently to God for answers amidst the chaos. I re-watched the movie "Eat, Pray, Love" thrice.

But, nothing changes.

Still, I struggle to drag myself out of bed and pray for an intact sanity as I plough through the drudgery of the day.

Growing up, I was being taught to problem-solve. I was a Science student. I am used to flexing and using my scientific mind and logic to unravel problems and derive concrete solutions. I used to believe that for every problem that I encountered, there was a solution and not just that. The solution should be logical. As I transitioned through my various life stages, I have always relied on time-tested decision-making tools to advance my life forward. I must also say that I was also more receptive to taking calculated risks when I was younger. I think I probably have lesser liabilities, and lesser concerns and I have not seen or experienced detrimental consequences arising from supposedly, bad choices.

My circumstances are becoming increasingly "grey" these days. Nothing is right nor wrong and nothing is true or fake. Relativism seems to be on the rise. There seems to be a de-linking of choices and consequences from moral and collective societal institutions. I felt as if I was on my own. On one hand, it should be liberating since I can try and make my life as large as I want it to be. On the other hand, there are no "safety nets" so to speak. Standard templates, rulebooks or wise counsels are diminishing. It just feels unsafe to test the waters.

Faced with constant uncertainties, ambiguities and a myriad of possibilities and advice from well-meaning folks and sometimes, self-professed experts, I find that my logic-making faculty is shutting down from all the overloading. It would be so enticing if I could take a "shortcut" to go directly to and tap on my inner source of wisdom and gain the clarity I need for my next steps.

How can I do that?

And off I set forth on the journey of self-discovery...