A Trip to the Centre of the Universe
Ubud, the spiritual centre of Bali, has definitely lived up to its name. At least for me. My 4D3N trip in Ubud brought me spiritual experiences that would pave the way for my life transformation. If you are seeking some form of spiritual immersion or guidance, I would highly recommend making a trip to Ubud!
LIFE MUSINGSSPIRITUALITY
A.Clare
2/15/20255 min read


I have recently returned from my trip to the "Centre of the Universe" - Bali. Some would also affectionately called the island a "Land with a Million Temples". Regardless of its reputation, Bali has definitely found its way into my heart.
I'm not about to write a travel blog here, but rather, I want to share the esoteric experience I have had in the island. It was my first trip to Bali, but I was there with a specific motive, apart from partaking in some of the usual touristy activities. My intention for this trip was clear from the beginning. I was looking forward to a transformative experience, one that would be so profound that not only leads me back to re-discovering who I really am, but also, for a sense of higher purpose and clarity to direct my path forward. I was in a dire need to re-establish a relationship with myself, to re-connect with my authentic self.
The first step to embarking on a journey to self-discovery is to accept that I need to do it. It's very easy to disregard or postpone what your body or heart is telling you. Close friends and relatives were quick to dismiss my gnawing sense of restlessness as boredom. They have either chided me for trying to "stir up" some s**t because I'm too comfortable or admonishing me for being an ingrate who should just be grateful for whatever I have in my life now and quit trying to dismantle the very structures and systems that have got me to where I am today. Trying her best to give me some well-meaning advice, my mum would tell me that it's part and parcel to go through a grinding life and everyone does that. So, I should seek solace in the fact that I'm not alone in the great turmoil of slogging my life away in unfufilment.
Thanks but no thanks to all those who have contributed their part in shaping my limiting beliefs. Honestly, it's really hard not to believe in these supposedly "well-meaning" comments. Afterall, they sounded logical especially against the belief system influenced by the Asian culture and the meritocratic, economic -driven mentality that dominated the Singapore society which I grew up in. Overtime, I believed that it's essential to fit into a square peg which was not made for me because everyone else was doing the same thing and they seemed happy and successful while trying to fit into that cookie-cutter mould.
I've devoted close to three decades of my life trying to be a Singaporean. I love my country and the community and family, but honestly, I am struggling now. I felt trapped in a mini-sized dress that is repressing my creative energy. My wild creative sparks have over the years, been snuffed out as I take on more and more responsibilities and liabilities which doesn't define who truly am anymore. I'm not sure if it is a season of life that I'm in but losing a sense of identity and without the clarity of why I am even here hurts.
I have been forming unhealthy relationships with myself, with others and also with money. The immense sense of scarcity and lack threatens to rip my soul apart even when I sleep. There's zero safety and I have come to a point that I can't even trust my thoughts, decisions and emotions. It has become almost impossible for me to tune into my intutition. I cannot tell logic and gut feeling apart. Hence, I can only rely on the good' ol scientifc and logical approach to deciphering the situations I am in and the quality of relationships I have with others. And logical thinking and structured problem solving and decision making can only get me so far before I lapse into an "overdrive" mode in over-analysing everthing. The irony is this, when I over-analyse, I become paralysed. Yes, analysis-paralysis. This is so true for every situation I find myself in, right down to choosing what to eat for lunch and what to wear to work tomorrow!
I'm paralysed by my greatest enemy, fear. Fear of the consequences of making a wrong decision; fear of my own stupidity; fear of judgement from others etc. And the worst part is, I don't have an abundant heart to know that I am enough and to experience the boundless love from the Universe in getting my back no matter what happens.
I can continue to be a sitting duck, waiting for my circumstances to improve or for someone to yank me out from my misery or I can do something about my situation. I know that I desparately needed some answers, I know that I desparately needed to get in touch with who I really am so as to weather confidently through my external circumstances.
So, I ended up booking myself a tarot card reading in the heart of Ubud market.
The idea of a tarot reading sounded silly, unscientific an unorthodox to me. But if it could do what it claims to do which is to act as mirror to reflect my inner world to me, I have to take this desperate measure.
I did two readings - the first reading was done on my life direction in general while the second reading was done more specifically on my career direction. My readings were pretty accurate and I would say, further reinforced the nagging thought I have to tuning into my inner soul so that I could move forward in life. As long as I remain at where I am, nothing's going to change in my life and no amount of thinking, worrying and waiting for the "right moment or right people" to come by would help me in my situation. But, I don't know what I should do for I have no clarity of my life and career ahead. The advice I got from the reading was to first take a step back and put my mind in stillness. Listen and observe intuitively with intention and the answer I need will come in its own time. It pretty much makes sense to me when my reader explained to me that I have been on a vicious cycle of trying to think hard for clarity on what I should be doing and when I failed to do that, I panicked and became fearful of my inadequacy and before I knew it, I was thinking even harder to suppress the nasty feeling of lack of clarity. As much as I am trying to "do", I need to "be" as well. Who do I want to be and who am I are important questions that I need to address first before I have the capacity to clearly see and know what I need to do.
While all these sounded like common sense, but having someone reflected what I'm going though and seeing the cards that I've picked out felt edifying to me. The most creepy thing was I have picked the same card - the Gemini card stating that "the answer will come" in both my readings for my life and career directions. Ok, got it. I must patiently wait and the answer I am seeking will eventually arrive in its own time and season when it is good for me.
I am not trying to advocate tarot reading here. The point I'm trying to bring across is this - if you have been feeling restless, uninspired or when you are drowning in reasoning, don't ever dismiss your feeling as a passing phase. It will continue to haunt you until you engage it. For me, turning to tarot reading was just a way to seek affirmation for what I am going through. There are other ways such as through prayers and meditation or even journalling that could help reveal insights to you that you needed to know.
So, where do I go from here? Well, I am going to take baby steps to reconnect with my inner soul.